After a long hiatus as life has happened here you go with another Jem.

   Yesterday, I managed to survive the round robin parent-teacher conferences at both the high school and middle school, and while I got great reports on both kids one incident made one teacher and me laugh so hard that everyone was staring at us. Some of my friends in the teaching field might enjoy this one too.

  A little background first. Jack does not like to redo work, to him it is quite possibly the worst fate imaginable. So, in general, he turns in work to the standard he thinks is fine. As you can imagine a pre-teen has pretty low work standards which leads many teachers to return work to be redone. Again, Jack hates this "A LOT" especially when it comes to social studies work. 

  Now to the incident. Jack's social studies teacher is a very jovial guy and found the whole event humorous so no feathers were ruffled here. Recently Jack was given an assignment to complete which he did to his (low) standards to which his teacher responded by returning the work. In the conversation that ensued the following took place. His teacher explained to Jack that "sometimes you have to accept work you don't like." To which Jack responded by handing the assignment back to his teacher and saying "exactly".
 
   His teacher told me that he had to look away to keep from laughing. In the end, Jack did make corrections and his teacher acknowledges that he can't give Jack much room to work within the future.

Behaving Perfectly

Jack's Jem:

  Last night at the kitchen table Jack was grumpy and getting in a little bit of trouble.  At one point he got up from the table and went to get something from the kitchen.  Well, at our house you ask to be excused from the table, so I had him come back and sit down in order to do it correctly.  If you can image he was not to happy about this, but The Mom nicely explained the rules to him again.  He then proceeded to ask nicely to be excused, but as he got up from the table he leaned into The Mom like he was going to yell at her.  The best I can describe this little motion was the little bring it on move you see before two people fight.  If you can image that did not go over very well. As the The Mom quietly ( where is the sarcasm font when you need it!) scolded him on what polite behavior was he slipped in the following little Jem.

"I WISH YOU WOULD QUIT TRYING TO RAISE ME PERFECTLY!"

    Both The Mom and I had to look away after that one so he wouldn't see us laugh.  Man it was hard not to laugh out loud.  Good news is that he got himself back under control and managed to hit us up with yet another Jem for the evening. 

    A little while later while sitting at the table we were discussing misbehavior in a very silly fashion when Jack told  The Mom that he would give her a spanking.  To which she responded that nope that wouldn't happen.  Here is where I chimed in and asked Jack if he know why he wouldn't be able to spank mom. I gave him a hint that she had something he didn't, now my implied thoughts was that she had back up, aka.. ME.  Jack didn't catch on to what I was implying, and made his first guess was she had a belt.  We all chuckled and I said nope you have a belt too, it's something else.  During this whole exchange The Mom is sitting there looking over the top of her glasses giving him the MOM LOOK.  You know that look we all have gotten it at one point in our lives (or lots of points for some of us).  Well it was with this as a back drop that Jack decided on his next guess.  

"A smug look?"

Questioning was over, and  everyone is laughing out loud and Jack is stilling there wonder what was so funny.  One of these days he will figure it out. 

Enjoy

The Dad

It's all about the feet

Jack's Jem:

    Last week I had a conversation with Jack about trying to play rugby in a local youth league. When I had asked Jack about playing, he told me that all he wanted to do is run around and tackle people. To which I responded, "well that is pretty much what rugby is."  Anyway, Jack decided that he was really not all that interested.

    So today I was telling "The Mom" about the conversation Jack and I had had, when out of the other room we hear the following;

    "I don't want to play rugby, athletes get foot fungus!"

    Good to know that if you're an Athlete you will automatically get Athlete's Foot.

Sage Advice, Enjoy,
The Dad

Big Words

Jack's Jem: 

     Like most parents, when our kids do something really cool you want to brag about it. However, before I could find the time to sit down and produce a post about how awesome Jack is, he goes and sneaks another really cool moment in on me. This time though I find myself both proud and a little disturbed at the same time. 

   Well, this little Jem starts about a week ago when Jack starts telling me about this dog he saw that had "heterochromatic" eyes.  What did he just say, no really what did he say?  I found myself just staring at him for a minute while my old brain was running through the Rolodex (yep, my brain is that old) trying to recall the meaning.  After some smoke and a lot of pain I remembered it was a reference to different colored eyes.

   I must have stood there staring at the boy for a while, because when my mind started functioning again Jack was just staring back at me.  With my newly gained composure I asked him if he knew what heterochromatic meant.  He looked up at me with what may have been a little disdain and said "yes, it means that they have two different colored eyes."  I then asked where he had learned such as big word. The response I received was an indication that he was now done with this conversation, "Youtube, Minion Facts."  Then he was gone, and I was standing there in awe of the boy.

  Fast forward to this morning and the use of another big word, surprise!  To set the stage a little, we are currently dog sitting "Mr. Mater" for a friend of ours, and it's reasonable to say that even the United Nations couldn't broker a peace agreement between Mater and our cat Shadow.  I will say that the constant state of tension is due in large part to our cat antagonizing Mater, and keeping with this modis operandi Shadow was standing on the kitchen table hissing at the dog.  No self respecting dog is going to take this kind of treatment, so he begins to growl.  Here is where Jack the Peacemaker steps in.  Jack stares Mater right in the eyes and says " Mater don't disembowel Shadow."  Again I find myself staring at Jack, partly amazed at his use of the word disembowel, but also disturbed that he knew the word.  If you are wondering whether I asked Jack how he knew that word, well of course I did.  His response to my inquiry, was simple and yet disturbing, "Mom and your police game."   Well Damn, I thought I was being careful when he watched me play the game. Then it hit me that maybe he doesn't really understand what it means.  HAHA, silly me!

   Dad: Jack, what does disembowel mean?
   Jack: It is when their guts are cut open and pulled out.
   Dad: How did you get that from the game? ( they don't say it like that in the game)
   Jack: I read the autopsy reports in the game, their gross.

  Again, I am standing there watching him walk off in stunned silence.

You Just Can't Fight It

Jack's Jem:

Sorry again for another long hiatus, but finding time to sit down an write has been difficult.  I do have a list of his profound observations and hopefully will get them posted soon.  Here is a quick one from a few minutes ago to hold folks over. 

 Jack has always been an early riser, we're talking between 5 and 6 am every morning no matter what time he went to bed.  That has changed recently, he now sleeps in and has to be woken up on school mornings and only on school mornings. Every other day he is wide awake at his traditional time, and with today being Saturday he was up early. So, I decided to confront him about his inconsistent sleeping habits, and as usual he had me mentally out gunned. 

Image from Natgeotv.com

When I asked him why it was he had to be woken up on school mornings, but was happily up before 6 every other day I was given this response:

" I don't know, its just my nature." 

Dang him, I guess you just can't fight nature!  I need more coffee

The Dad

The T-Rex in your closet may just be trying on shoes.

Jack's Jem:

  I get to share this little Jem courtesy of one of Jack's teachers. As you can image, it's not hard to transform Jack in to Jack-a-Lope, and we call him that all the time.  Well so do his teachers, friends, and family etc.., you get the idea.  Jack is not overly fond of this nick name, mostly because when he was younger we told him it was not OK to call people names.  Take that rule and apply a large dash of autism and what do you get; the "11th Commandment".  Yes, we parents are sometimes our own worst enemies.  

  I digress and get back to the story as repeated to me.

Teacher: "Good Morning Mr. Jack-a-Lope"

Jack: "You know that they [Jack-a-Lopes] are extinct, just like dinosaurs in Go Go Boots!"

Teacher: speechless (ok, I added that part, but I am sure it is true)

    

  So here is your lesson in immortality, share something so strange that your name will always be associated with it and you will be remembered. Take a moment to consider this, Jack's teacher will always remember him when ever she sees a dinosaur or a pair of Go Go Boots. This is a two way street, however so be careful what you are associated with.  

 

  Anyway, I find myself a little concerned about my sanity because after hearing this story, the only thing I was thinking about was where in the world he heard about Go Go Boots, and not why dinosaurs were wearing them.  So if you have Go Go Boots in you closet check for dinosaurs before you wear them again. 

Enjoy

The Dad

One Final Note:  They (who ever they are) say you can find anything on the internet, well that is not true. You can not find a picture of a dinosaur wearing Go Go Boots, I tried!

Back Seat GPS

Jack's Jem:

Ok, I am back after a long hiatus from sharing Jack's musings on life with the world, and I am sorry for that.  Jack has never let up, but unfortunately some of his wit is lost to time and my old brain.  I will endeavor to recapture some of the moments that were lost and keep everyone up-to-date on his new proclamations.  Here is a good one from this weekend to get things rolling again.

On Valentine's Day, Jack and our little family headed out on a little road trip.  Jack is not a particular fan of road trips unless the DVD players are involved.  He is however fascinated with the in dash navigation system in our car. He is so fascinated in fact that for a good portion of the time he points out what is on the screen.  Most of the time this little activity tends to push the Mom and me to the near braking point, however this little drive was so relaxed that we were tolerating this little extra informational overload like we he had never done it before.

After a little while of repeating everything GPS related, Jack some how became distracted by something and stopped.  The Mom and me suddenly found ourselves in complete silence, how glorious!  I should have realized that Jack was just warming up for something.

This beautiful silence was finally broken after about 20 minutes with the following statement from the backseat GPS.

 " In two miles we will be turning right onto Division Street.", then a short pause followed by, "I really hope we don't have to do any division problems when we drive down Division Street."

Can you imagine if passing your driving test from now on included doing division problems while you drive down Division Street and God forbid there is ever a Non-Linear Equation Street.

Enjoy
The Dad

Watch out if your in Pennsylvania

Jack's Jem:

  I know it has been a while since I shared a Jem and I am sorry about that.  I will start back up with a doozy.  

  Well Jack and I were wrestling around last week and Jack was getting a little frustrated that he couldn't defeat me.  Jack was standing a few feet away from me contemplating his next move, when all of the sudden he stopped moving and stared right into my eyes and gave me the following ultimatum:

  "Dad you had better watch out or I will give you a Pennsylvania Traffic Stop!"

image courtesy of GPD News (www.gpd.com)

  Not being familiar with that wrestling move or law enforcement technique I asked Jack to please explain.  Here is what I got:

" Well it is when I sit on your head and go through your wallet!"

  I am not real sure what happen for a few minutes due to my hysterical laughing.  When I finally stopped laughing, I asked Jack where he had gotten that from, I received an attempted pants-ing as a response.

  I hope the Pennsylvania state patrol doesn't read Jack's Jems because getting a ticket could be the least of your worries in the future.

An entire family history in 8 seconds or less.

Jack's Jem:

While running some errands the other day with Jack and his brother and sister, we began discussing the origins of our Scottish last name.  Jack sat quietly in the back seat not seeming to be interested in the conversation.  Well, the conversation continued between the older siblings and I for some time and include a deep discuss of the history of the troubles between Scotland and England.  

It was during this part of the conversation that from the back seat Jack asks if we are talking about our ancestors.  I told him yes and the conversation continued.  A few moments later Jack says with some amount of enthusiasm that he could name all his ancestors.  

I had a feeling that this was going to be good so I told him to go for it. Here is was I got:

Caveman Jack, 

Egyptian Jack, 

Pirate Jack, 

Cowboy Jack, 

Knight Jack,

and

Just Ordinary Jack!

 This list took only about 8 seconds to deliver and I think he pretty much covered the entire family history.  I don't know about Caveman Jack or Egyptian Jack, but I would really like to go back in time and meet the Pirate, Cowboy and Knight Jacks respectively.

Enjoy
The Dad

Thanks for clearing that up.

Jacks Jem:

  This morning I was checking out Facebook and enjoying a cup of coffee when I noticed someone had posted one of those silly quizzes were you see what kind of something you are.  You know the kind, where you answer 5 or so silly questions and it tells you what kind of animal, action hero, or car you are.  Normally, I just scroll on past these without much thought, but today's quiz caught my eye because it was going to tell me what kind of weapon I was.  How could I not check this one out.  So I took the quiz and was told I was an explosive which both The Mom, and Jack found funny.  After our laugh the Mom took the quiz and low and behold she was also an explosive.  For those of you out there who know her that was really not much of a surprise,

  LOVE YOU, HONEY!!!

  Well Jack decided he wanted to take the quiz too.  I want to share, that it was at this point that he surprised me with his knowledge of the world.  One of the questions asked what kind of job he would be interested in, the list included; lawyer, parent, mailman, architect, and librarian.  Jack paused for a moment then said architect. I was surprised by his answer and figured he didn't know what that was, so I asked him what an architect was.  He gave me a sweet innocent little look and then explained to me that an architect is a person who design buildings.  The way he answered made me  feel a little silly for even asking. I guess they are doing career counselling in the 3rd grade now because I never told him what an architect was.  

   Ok, back to the original story. Jack finished answering the questions and again another member of the family was informed that they were explosives.  We had another chuckle and Jack finished breakfast and started for the kitchen with his dishes.  As he was about to leave the dinning room he stopped and said:

  "Dad, maybe we are all explosives because we are full of gas."  

  Proclamation made he quickly went on about his morning routine.  I am sure glad he cleared up that up for us.  Now I am left wondering whether I should laugh or be offended.

Enjoy

The Dad

Multitasking via the Autistic Mind

Jack's Jem:

  It is important to note for this little jem that the mascot of the University of Idaho football team is the Vandals, you know the same guys that sacked Rome.  Now Jack has taken a huge interest in supporting the Vandals even though he has never seen a game.  For him going to the University book with all of its Vandal merchandise is like going Toy's R Us, he just loves it.  

  The other day I had to return something to the bookstore and the family went with me.  It was at the bookstore that Jack gave the Mom and I an example of what multitasking really is, and here is the wisdom he shared;

" Hey Mom look a Vandals belt, you can spank me and support the Vandals at the same time! "

  See that is multitasking at its finest.  

Enjoy

The Dad

  

Conversations with the Cat

Jack's Jem:

  I am always left laughing when Jack has a conversation with the cat, and this morning was no exception. The kids were very good this past week so I went out and got donuts Saturday morning, I might have wanted some too but I will not admit it.  Oh, wait I just did, didn't I.  Anyway, 2 donuts were left intact come Sunday morning and Jack was up at his normal 5:30 AM.  Jack was quick to asked if he could have one and in my sleep induced stupor I agreed. Jack quickly snatched his prize and headed into the other room, followed closely by Shadow the cat.  As I stood in the kitchen waiting desperately for the coffee to finish brewing. I hear the following conversation from the other room.

  "Shadow you better stay away from my donuts, you had better keep you furry little paws off of it!"

I wonder if Shadow ever feels this way?

Well enjoy and watch out for those furry little paws around your donuts.

The Dad

Is technology out to get you? Here is Jack's thoughts.

Jack's Jem:

  As most of you out there who own smart phones know,  there comes a time when these phones take on a mind of their own and do whatever they want to, much to the owners aggravation. I always just wrote this off as the glitches in technology, similar to when windows updates in the middle of a major project, and etc, etc, etc!  Last night Jack had a different opinion and now I am wondering if he might be on to something.

   When I got home I found a very upset Jack.  The Mom informed me that Jack had been very good so she had rewarded him with some time on her smart phone to play games.  When he tried to start playing a game the phone would shut down the game, and it did not matter which game, all of them started then shut down.  For an Autistic boy this is as close to physical injury as you can get without there being blood everywhere.  Now as a good father I keep at least one game on my phone for just such an occasion and was able to quickly advert a full meltdown.  

   As I sat watching him play this new game, Jack looks up at me and says " I think Mom's phone just wanted me to do something educational so it wouldn't let me play any games." 

  After the Mom and I stopped laughing, I began to wonder if he might be on to something that no one else has seen. Are these really technology glitches or is it the Rise of the Machines.  

from dvdrelease.com

OK, OK, I know its to early for a sci-fi reference, I guess I was channeling my inner Sarah or John Connor, sorry I could help it. 

Enjoy

The Dad

   

Note to Shadow the Cat.

Jack's Jem:

    Our cat has an annoying habit of using everything as a scratching post.  Jack finds this scratching very annoying, and honestly we all do.  At some point the Mom and I even discussed having the cat de-clawed, that is how bad she was tearing stuff up.  Evidently Jack decided that we had not taken enough action and this morning I found the following note next to the household change jar.  

Allow me to translate:

Dear Shadow,

  When we have a lot of money [in the jar] you will be de-clawed.

Your Owner

Jack

Coin Jar -->

Part of me hopes Jack might become president one day, and why you might ask, because I can see his short notes to say, terrorist for example:

Dear Terrorist:

  When the US Military is ready we will come and get you.

The President

Jack

Our Military--> 

 

 

PS. We will be there soon.

Enjoy 

The Dad

Just being a little brother!

Jack's Jem

  Jack never misses an opportunity to embarrass his sister, much like any other little brother might do.  This morning was no exception, and I am not even sure he was trying.

  Jack was in the tub this morning and his sister wanted to brush her teeth.  So, she asked if he would be nice and close the curtain so she could come in.  Jack agreed and closed the curtain. Don't worry he kept it closed.  His sister finishes up and starts out the door and hears the follow from behind the curtain:

 Two loud underwater farts followed by; "WOW, it sounds like the Titanic in here!"

 I am just not sure what else to say!

Enjoy

The Dad

Determination level: EPIC!

Jack's Jem:

  This post will in part explain why there has not been any jems in a while.  Since spring break here Jack has been having a rough time. Until this last week he has been refusing to do any work either at school or at home.  Some of you know that he has always had a problem understanding why he can't do things the way he wants to, but this was different. The more we pushed the harder he pushed back, and we just could not figure out why. All he would say is it was unfair that he had to do any work (ie... homework, chores, etc)!  It is import to note here that he comes by some stubbornness honestly because both sides of his family are stubborn, I mean we are really stubborn!  Jack has set a new standard for the family that may never reached again, and that is probably a good thing.

  Now he kept up insisting that he did not need to do any work.  Now keep in mind that during this time he had toys and electronics time taken way, and even at two times was spanked.  He was punished in every conceivable way we could think of short of water boarding (ok, we didn't go that far but I don't think it would have worked if we had tried it). We even resorted to bribery. Nothing seemed to derail him from his course of doing nothing.  Meanwhile his teachers and us could not figure out why he was so determined not to do any work.  He had had plenty of opportunities to tell us what was going on, because we asked him all the time why he did not what to do any work and all we got was it was terrible that he had to do any. 

  Well last week everything came to a head and we had a melt down of monumental proportions over him having to help me make his bed.  For those of you who have not experience an autistic child's meltdown there comes a point were there is nothing that will stop it other than space and time.  Well, we went beyond that point by miles.  I was even told that I was a disgrace and disappointing as a father and not by my wife for once (just kidding, love you honey).  

  

  So where is all of this going and how in the world could this be funny, well put down anything you might be drinking.  I finally, after kicking him out of his room and taking everything from him and making him sleep on the floor at the end of my bed, got an explanation: (drum roll please):  

Jack:  "On the Garfield cartoon, Garfield said [to the audience] see if you sit around on the couch and do nothing you can have a TV show too"

Well Garfield is now on permanent hiatus from the TV and things have improved since we have explained to Jack that is not how it works.  Ok, I am lying to him a little because that is the only way to explain how the Jersey Shore got on to TV, but that is a discussion for later.  I just up he uses his determination for good.

Enjoy, and good luck with everyone's TV careers

The Dad

Advice for keeping a positive attitude!

Jacks Jem:

During our quarterly parent teacher conference this past week, I was glad to hear Jack does not keep his jems at home. The following is advice that Jack gave his teacher.  It's important to note that his teacher does not like Thursdays, so much so she calls them Friday eves.

Well the Thursday before last his teacher was not having a good day and Jack gave her the following advice:

Jack:  Did you drive to school today?

Teacher: Yes

Jack:  Well a least a piano did not fall on your car.

Now fast forward to this past Thursday and Jack checks on his Teacher and tells her well at least you haven't been hit in the face by a pie.

How can you argue with logic like that.  So if your having a bad day just think it could be worse a piano could land on your car or you could be hit in the face by a pie.  

Enjoy

the Dad

 

Who you gonna call?

Jack's Jem:

  Well the other day Jack and I were wrestling in the living room.  I finally got him pinned down (which is getting a little harder everyday) and was tickling him.  Jack finally told me,"Get off me or I am going to call the MARINES!"

   He was able to make good his escape because I was laughing.  Kind of makes me feel good that he felt that only the Marines could stop me.  Yep whose the man.

Semper Fi
The Dad

How to deal with something you don't like at work.

Jack's Jem:

  OK, I don't know if I would really suggest this technique for work, but if you did it could be funny. 

  A couple of nights ago the family was watching some TV together, and when the show ended the Mom told Jack to head up to bed.  This was the response from under a blanket on the couch:

" Jack is not available right now, please leave a message, BEEEEEPPPPPPP!"

The result was both parents trying not to laugh, and me leaving a message that got him up to bed. 

Enjoy

The Dad

Where and how not to get milk!

Jack's Jem:

  So I know it's been a little while since I have gotten a Jem posted, but I have been ridiculously busy with school. Jack has not let up though and I wish I had gotten them posted.  Here is the latest installment of the Jems that should help make up for the wait.

  So last weekend I decided to give the kids a treat Sunday morning and go get some doughnuts.  I did it just for the kids I swear. So I asked Jack if he wanted to go with me and initially he did not want to, but when I told him I wanted his help because we were doughnut hunting he decided it was a good idea. The hunting part proved to be pretty easy it was picking them out of the herd that got a little difficult especially when I had help.

  Now fast forward to just the other day and the Mom wants to go to the store and get milk. Well she asks Jack if he wants to go hunt milk with her, to which he says yes, and the following is a list of the hunting recommendations and advice that were provided by Jack on how to hunt said milk.  ( important note: there is a dairy on the University and Jack knows about it )

1. Get the milk to come to you:  Jack stands at the back door and attempts to call the cows to our house so we can milk them.  This option did not work and I think the neighbor might be a little concerned now.

2. Enlist help to get the milk.  Those of you who have followed this blog know this all started with the cat and guess who was drafted to assist in this effort.  This plan is a little complicated and I will endeavor to explain it since it is both brilliant and a little disturbing.  First build a catapult (no pun intended) then train the cat to milk a cow and carry the milk back to the house. Now load the cat on the catapult (ok I might have intended that one) and shoot the cat into the dairy to get the milk.  Unfortunately the time needed to train the very unwilling cat finally ruled out this plan.  I have a hard time not seeing a bad Disney cartoon when I think of this plan.

3.  With his other plans in ruins, Jack had to resort to the old fashion way of getting milk, going to the store.  What follows is the Mom's recounting of the conversation that took place during milk hunt.

     Evidently Jack felt that the Mom was not sufficiently knowledgeable on her milk facts to be an effective hunter, so he set out to fix that.  Jack explained where milk comes from and provided the Mom with a list of animals; cow, goat, etc, from whom you could milk.  That is until he came to the lowly Reindeer, (yes I said Reindeer) to which he explained don't provide milk they give eggnog!

I will forever see Santa milking his Reindeer every time I drink eggnog, if I ever do again.
Enjoy
The Dad