Behaving Perfectly

Jack's Jem:

  Last night at the kitchen table Jack was grumpy and getting in a little bit of trouble.  At one point he got up from the table and went to get something from the kitchen.  Well, at our house you ask to be excused from the table, so I had him come back and sit down in order to do it correctly.  If you can image he was not to happy about this, but The Mom nicely explained the rules to him again.  He then proceeded to ask nicely to be excused, but as he got up from the table he leaned into The Mom like he was going to yell at her.  The best I can describe this little motion was the little bring it on move you see before two people fight.  If you can image that did not go over very well. As the The Mom quietly ( where is the sarcasm font when you need it!) scolded him on what polite behavior was he slipped in the following little Jem.

"I WISH YOU WOULD QUIT TRYING TO RAISE ME PERFECTLY!"

    Both The Mom and I had to look away after that one so he wouldn't see us laugh.  Man it was hard not to laugh out loud.  Good news is that he got himself back under control and managed to hit us up with yet another Jem for the evening. 

    A little while later while sitting at the table we were discussing misbehavior in a very silly fashion when Jack told  The Mom that he would give her a spanking.  To which she responded that nope that wouldn't happen.  Here is where I chimed in and asked Jack if he know why he wouldn't be able to spank mom. I gave him a hint that she had something he didn't, now my implied thoughts was that she had back up, aka.. ME.  Jack didn't catch on to what I was implying, and made his first guess was she had a belt.  We all chuckled and I said nope you have a belt too, it's something else.  During this whole exchange The Mom is sitting there looking over the top of her glasses giving him the MOM LOOK.  You know that look we all have gotten it at one point in our lives (or lots of points for some of us).  Well it was with this as a back drop that Jack decided on his next guess.  

"A smug look?"

Questioning was over, and  everyone is laughing out loud and Jack is stilling there wonder what was so funny.  One of these days he will figure it out. 

Enjoy

The Dad

It's all about the feet

Jack's Jem:

    Last week I had a conversation with Jack about trying to play rugby in a local youth league. When I had asked Jack about playing, he told me that all he wanted to do is run around and tackle people. To which I responded, "well that is pretty much what rugby is."  Anyway, Jack decided that he was really not all that interested.

    So today I was telling "The Mom" about the conversation Jack and I had had, when out of the other room we hear the following;

    "I don't want to play rugby, athletes get foot fungus!"

    Good to know that if you're an Athlete you will automatically get Athlete's Foot.

Sage Advice, Enjoy,
The Dad

Big Words

Jack's Jem: 

     Like most parents, when our kids do something really cool you want to brag about it. However, before I could find the time to sit down and produce a post about how awesome Jack is, he goes and sneaks another really cool moment in on me. This time though I find myself both proud and a little disturbed at the same time. 

   Well, this little Jem starts about a week ago when Jack starts telling me about this dog he saw that had "heterochromatic" eyes.  What did he just say, no really what did he say?  I found myself just staring at him for a minute while my old brain was running through the Rolodex (yep, my brain is that old) trying to recall the meaning.  After some smoke and a lot of pain I remembered it was a reference to different colored eyes.

   I must have stood there staring at the boy for a while, because when my mind started functioning again Jack was just staring back at me.  With my newly gained composure I asked him if he knew what heterochromatic meant.  He looked up at me with what may have been a little disdain and said "yes, it means that they have two different colored eyes."  I then asked where he had learned such as big word. The response I received was an indication that he was now done with this conversation, "Youtube, Minion Facts."  Then he was gone, and I was standing there in awe of the boy.

  Fast forward to this morning and the use of another big word, surprise!  To set the stage a little, we are currently dog sitting "Mr. Mater" for a friend of ours, and it's reasonable to say that even the United Nations couldn't broker a peace agreement between Mater and our cat Shadow.  I will say that the constant state of tension is due in large part to our cat antagonizing Mater, and keeping with this modis operandi Shadow was standing on the kitchen table hissing at the dog.  No self respecting dog is going to take this kind of treatment, so he begins to growl.  Here is where Jack the Peacemaker steps in.  Jack stares Mater right in the eyes and says " Mater don't disembowel Shadow."  Again I find myself staring at Jack, partly amazed at his use of the word disembowel, but also disturbed that he knew the word.  If you are wondering whether I asked Jack how he knew that word, well of course I did.  His response to my inquiry, was simple and yet disturbing, "Mom and your police game."   Well Damn, I thought I was being careful when he watched me play the game. Then it hit me that maybe he doesn't really understand what it means.  HAHA, silly me!

   Dad: Jack, what does disembowel mean?
   Jack: It is when their guts are cut open and pulled out.
   Dad: How did you get that from the game? ( they don't say it like that in the game)
   Jack: I read the autopsy reports in the game, their gross.

  Again, I am standing there watching him walk off in stunned silence.

The T-Rex in your closet may just be trying on shoes.

Jack's Jem:

  I get to share this little Jem courtesy of one of Jack's teachers. As you can image, it's not hard to transform Jack in to Jack-a-Lope, and we call him that all the time.  Well so do his teachers, friends, and family etc.., you get the idea.  Jack is not overly fond of this nick name, mostly because when he was younger we told him it was not OK to call people names.  Take that rule and apply a large dash of autism and what do you get; the "11th Commandment".  Yes, we parents are sometimes our own worst enemies.  

  I digress and get back to the story as repeated to me.

Teacher: "Good Morning Mr. Jack-a-Lope"

Jack: "You know that they [Jack-a-Lopes] are extinct, just like dinosaurs in Go Go Boots!"

Teacher: speechless (ok, I added that part, but I am sure it is true)

    

  So here is your lesson in immortality, share something so strange that your name will always be associated with it and you will be remembered. Take a moment to consider this, Jack's teacher will always remember him when ever she sees a dinosaur or a pair of Go Go Boots. This is a two way street, however so be careful what you are associated with.  

 

  Anyway, I find myself a little concerned about my sanity because after hearing this story, the only thing I was thinking about was where in the world he heard about Go Go Boots, and not why dinosaurs were wearing them.  So if you have Go Go Boots in you closet check for dinosaurs before you wear them again. 

Enjoy

The Dad

One Final Note:  They (who ever they are) say you can find anything on the internet, well that is not true. You can not find a picture of a dinosaur wearing Go Go Boots, I tried!

Thanks for clearing that up.

Jacks Jem:

  This morning I was checking out Facebook and enjoying a cup of coffee when I noticed someone had posted one of those silly quizzes were you see what kind of something you are.  You know the kind, where you answer 5 or so silly questions and it tells you what kind of animal, action hero, or car you are.  Normally, I just scroll on past these without much thought, but today's quiz caught my eye because it was going to tell me what kind of weapon I was.  How could I not check this one out.  So I took the quiz and was told I was an explosive which both The Mom, and Jack found funny.  After our laugh the Mom took the quiz and low and behold she was also an explosive.  For those of you out there who know her that was really not much of a surprise,

  LOVE YOU, HONEY!!!

  Well Jack decided he wanted to take the quiz too.  I want to share, that it was at this point that he surprised me with his knowledge of the world.  One of the questions asked what kind of job he would be interested in, the list included; lawyer, parent, mailman, architect, and librarian.  Jack paused for a moment then said architect. I was surprised by his answer and figured he didn't know what that was, so I asked him what an architect was.  He gave me a sweet innocent little look and then explained to me that an architect is a person who design buildings.  The way he answered made me  feel a little silly for even asking. I guess they are doing career counselling in the 3rd grade now because I never told him what an architect was.  

   Ok, back to the original story. Jack finished answering the questions and again another member of the family was informed that they were explosives.  We had another chuckle and Jack finished breakfast and started for the kitchen with his dishes.  As he was about to leave the dinning room he stopped and said:

  "Dad, maybe we are all explosives because we are full of gas."  

  Proclamation made he quickly went on about his morning routine.  I am sure glad he cleared up that up for us.  Now I am left wondering whether I should laugh or be offended.

Enjoy

The Dad

Multitasking via the Autistic Mind

Jack's Jem:

  It is important to note for this little jem that the mascot of the University of Idaho football team is the Vandals, you know the same guys that sacked Rome.  Now Jack has taken a huge interest in supporting the Vandals even though he has never seen a game.  For him going to the University book with all of its Vandal merchandise is like going Toy's R Us, he just loves it.  

  The other day I had to return something to the bookstore and the family went with me.  It was at the bookstore that Jack gave the Mom and I an example of what multitasking really is, and here is the wisdom he shared;

" Hey Mom look a Vandals belt, you can spank me and support the Vandals at the same time! "

  See that is multitasking at its finest.  

Enjoy

The Dad

  

Conversations with the Cat

Jack's Jem:

  I am always left laughing when Jack has a conversation with the cat, and this morning was no exception. The kids were very good this past week so I went out and got donuts Saturday morning, I might have wanted some too but I will not admit it.  Oh, wait I just did, didn't I.  Anyway, 2 donuts were left intact come Sunday morning and Jack was up at his normal 5:30 AM.  Jack was quick to asked if he could have one and in my sleep induced stupor I agreed. Jack quickly snatched his prize and headed into the other room, followed closely by Shadow the cat.  As I stood in the kitchen waiting desperately for the coffee to finish brewing. I hear the following conversation from the other room.

  "Shadow you better stay away from my donuts, you had better keep you furry little paws off of it!"

I wonder if Shadow ever feels this way?

Well enjoy and watch out for those furry little paws around your donuts.

The Dad

Is technology out to get you? Here is Jack's thoughts.

Jack's Jem:

  As most of you out there who own smart phones know,  there comes a time when these phones take on a mind of their own and do whatever they want to, much to the owners aggravation. I always just wrote this off as the glitches in technology, similar to when windows updates in the middle of a major project, and etc, etc, etc!  Last night Jack had a different opinion and now I am wondering if he might be on to something.

   When I got home I found a very upset Jack.  The Mom informed me that Jack had been very good so she had rewarded him with some time on her smart phone to play games.  When he tried to start playing a game the phone would shut down the game, and it did not matter which game, all of them started then shut down.  For an Autistic boy this is as close to physical injury as you can get without there being blood everywhere.  Now as a good father I keep at least one game on my phone for just such an occasion and was able to quickly advert a full meltdown.  

   As I sat watching him play this new game, Jack looks up at me and says " I think Mom's phone just wanted me to do something educational so it wouldn't let me play any games." 

  After the Mom and I stopped laughing, I began to wonder if he might be on to something that no one else has seen. Are these really technology glitches or is it the Rise of the Machines.  

from dvdrelease.com

OK, OK, I know its to early for a sci-fi reference, I guess I was channeling my inner Sarah or John Connor, sorry I could help it. 

Enjoy

The Dad

   

Note to Shadow the Cat.

Jack's Jem:

    Our cat has an annoying habit of using everything as a scratching post.  Jack finds this scratching very annoying, and honestly we all do.  At some point the Mom and I even discussed having the cat de-clawed, that is how bad she was tearing stuff up.  Evidently Jack decided that we had not taken enough action and this morning I found the following note next to the household change jar.  

Allow me to translate:

Dear Shadow,

  When we have a lot of money [in the jar] you will be de-clawed.

Your Owner

Jack

Coin Jar -->

Part of me hopes Jack might become president one day, and why you might ask, because I can see his short notes to say, terrorist for example:

Dear Terrorist:

  When the US Military is ready we will come and get you.

The President

Jack

Our Military--> 

 

 

PS. We will be there soon.

Enjoy 

The Dad

Determination level: EPIC!

Jack's Jem:

  This post will in part explain why there has not been any jems in a while.  Since spring break here Jack has been having a rough time. Until this last week he has been refusing to do any work either at school or at home.  Some of you know that he has always had a problem understanding why he can't do things the way he wants to, but this was different. The more we pushed the harder he pushed back, and we just could not figure out why. All he would say is it was unfair that he had to do any work (ie... homework, chores, etc)!  It is import to note here that he comes by some stubbornness honestly because both sides of his family are stubborn, I mean we are really stubborn!  Jack has set a new standard for the family that may never reached again, and that is probably a good thing.

  Now he kept up insisting that he did not need to do any work.  Now keep in mind that during this time he had toys and electronics time taken way, and even at two times was spanked.  He was punished in every conceivable way we could think of short of water boarding (ok, we didn't go that far but I don't think it would have worked if we had tried it). We even resorted to bribery. Nothing seemed to derail him from his course of doing nothing.  Meanwhile his teachers and us could not figure out why he was so determined not to do any work.  He had had plenty of opportunities to tell us what was going on, because we asked him all the time why he did not what to do any work and all we got was it was terrible that he had to do any. 

  Well last week everything came to a head and we had a melt down of monumental proportions over him having to help me make his bed.  For those of you who have not experience an autistic child's meltdown there comes a point were there is nothing that will stop it other than space and time.  Well, we went beyond that point by miles.  I was even told that I was a disgrace and disappointing as a father and not by my wife for once (just kidding, love you honey).  

  

  So where is all of this going and how in the world could this be funny, well put down anything you might be drinking.  I finally, after kicking him out of his room and taking everything from him and making him sleep on the floor at the end of my bed, got an explanation: (drum roll please):  

Jack:  "On the Garfield cartoon, Garfield said [to the audience] see if you sit around on the couch and do nothing you can have a TV show too"

Well Garfield is now on permanent hiatus from the TV and things have improved since we have explained to Jack that is not how it works.  Ok, I am lying to him a little because that is the only way to explain how the Jersey Shore got on to TV, but that is a discussion for later.  I just up he uses his determination for good.

Enjoy, and good luck with everyone's TV careers

The Dad

Who you gonna call?

Jack's Jem:

  Well the other day Jack and I were wrestling in the living room.  I finally got him pinned down (which is getting a little harder everyday) and was tickling him.  Jack finally told me,"Get off me or I am going to call the MARINES!"

   He was able to make good his escape because I was laughing.  Kind of makes me feel good that he felt that only the Marines could stop me.  Yep whose the man.

Semper Fi
The Dad

Diagnosis Memory Loss

Jack's Jem:

  So yesterday I picked Jack up from the bus after school and took him with me to run some errands.  As we were driving along Jack's looks over at me as says "Dad you didn't play Infinity with me yesterday, when you had a break from your homework." For those who don't know the Disney Infinity is a pretty neat little video game, and we let Jack play on it as a reward.  Now I had told Jack that I would indeed play the Infinity with him when I took a break from my school work.  I told Jack that " Sorry, I just forgot."

  I should have known that would not be the end of it.  Jack looked over at me again and with a very concerned face told me in a very clinical tone "Dad I think you have Short Term Memory Loss, because you forget lots of stuff."  I am laughing out loud at this point, and I really wanted to say to him no I have kids, but I refrained.

  I would like to say that was the end of the story, and I will defend myself up front I had to go and spend money on my first pair of prescription glasses, and dang they are expensive and dang I hate getting old so my mind was very preoccupied after Jack diagnosed me. Later that evening I was standing the kitchen talking with the Mom telling her that Jack had said something funny but I could not for the life of me remember what it was.  Well, Jack walks into the kitchen and says very nonchalantly "memory loss" and walks back out of the kitchen.

Dang it, he may be right.
Well Enjoy, what ever it was I was talking about.
The Dad, I think.

Why are you NOT SLEEPING? OH wait this is a trap!

Jack's Jem:

Oh Sleep, that elusive creature that most parents long to find, is once again missing at our home.  We are missing so much sleep it has taken me two days to pen this post.  Well for those out there that don't know Jack, he has an internal clock that the government could check the atomic clock against.  He is up every morning between 5:45 and 6:00, and when he goes to bed makes no difference.  It is also important to note for later in this post that when he is awake he is awake and at full speed.  Now normally this little wide awake thing is not an issue because his wonderful mother also bounces right out of bed and attacks the day.  Our daughter and I on the other hand are dangerous to be around in the morning.

So let set the picture of this past week; one the mother was sick with the flu so Dad has to get up every morning (Honey, I am not complaining, just making an observation, Love you (yep that was a married disclaimer)), and two all week a small miracle happen Jack slept in every morning until I had to wake him up.  This little treat allow me to have a full cup of coffee before I had to release the beast,  which I desperately needed.  So by Friday I had been lulled in a false since of security, that led me to believe on Friday when the kiddos had a day off from school I would be able to sleep in.  Well Friday morning arrived and at 5:30 AM Jack is in my bed talking to me, ugh.  So, I ask him, why when he slept in every morning this week are you up so early today?  He responded in his best sing song voice "because it's the WEEEEEKEEEENNNNND!"

Jack's Checklist (well this is my opinion on how this all worked out)
1. Bait the trap by sleeping late: Check
2. Set the trap by getting up early on day off: Check
3. Spring the trap on unsuspecting sleeping parents: Check
4. Have fun: Check and Check

After his mother and I stopped laughing, I realized that the whole week of sleeping in most have been Jack charging his batteries for the WEEEEKEEEENNNNND!

Enjoy
One tired sucker of a Dad.

The Gambler aka the parent

Jack's Jem:

  As I am writing this post I keep hearing the old Kenny Rogers' song "The Gambler" especially the part about knowing when to hold them and knowing when to fold them.  This post is not a true Jem, but it is more an observation of a thought process.  

  Now it is important to note that for a person who falls along the Autism spectrum routine and patterns are more important than just about anything, and Jack is no exception. When Jack's routine is changed or broken it makes an impression, that he does not forget, EVER!  My fellow parents of Autistic children can attest to the fact that changing a routine stands out in a child's memory like the lights of Las Vegas.

  I knew that a change in Jack's pattern was important, but until the other day I really did not get how that change was locked into his memory.  Every school morning Jack's lunch is made by one of his parents and in that lunch box goes the same items; one of those items is an oatmeal cream pie.  That pie has a specific place it goes in a pocket on the outside of said lunch box.  This routine has been going on since the beginning of this school year.  

  Now the other day Jack comes into the kitchen and sees me placing said pie in said pocket and announces "Dad you left out the oatmeal cream pie the other day!" At this instant I like most parents stopped and tried to remember if I was guilty of the offense, then when I couldn't remember I defended myself.  I told Jack that I had not forgotten the pie at any point.  To which Jack responded " you know you did not put it in the pocket the other day."  It was at this point I became the Gambler and had to decide to continue to argue even if I was unsure if I was right or fold and acknowledge the past mistake. 

  Jack was not letting me off either because during my whole internal monologue he stood by quietly and stared at me. I knew there was a very good chance he was right and I did what any good parent would have done, I told him "go finish getting ready for school."  

  It was only a couple of days later that I realized that I had folded without a fight.

Enjoy

The Dad